Yup just like the title said, I've felt that I've literally died for a few seconds. It's such a short period of time but yet, in that few seconds, I died. I thought that I'm a goner for sure. That I would cease to exist in this world forever. That 30 years are all my history in this world. And I'd be leaving with so much in me, so much left unsaid, undone. I've briefly mentioned it in my Facebook but there are actually more to it that I don't feel like mentioning to everyone. It would be fate if you see it from my blog.
Things has become a lot rougher in my already tough life in the past 2 months. I've went through a lot. Hopes and dreams dashed, regrets, denials, betrayals, stress and etc. during this period of my life. My SM has even told me that he can see that these periods are the rough patches in my life.
In these 2 months plus, I've been telling/discussing with one of my friend, Kei, that for the past 2 months (although not so rampant these few weeks), I've had dreams and visions, that I would be involved in car accidents, in many different scenarios. High speed crash, hit or hit by a lorry, head on collisions and so on. I do not know why I had such dreams and visions. Some are so surreal that I could break out in cold sweat. Is it a premonition? Or did I think too much? I don't know.
And in the few times that I discussed this with her, a few topics has been raised too. Topics like what would I do, who are the people I'll call (and if so, who is the first I would call), what would I say in the calls, what would I do if the person/persons I call did not pick up, what is it that I would have left behind from my life, my regrets being left in my life by myself, by others... and the list goes on. I won't blog about my answers to the above discussions. Some of the answers might be obvious to certain people. Some are only known by Kei and me, while some, I left it for myself. Let's just leave it at that.
Back to the recent case at hand, in the past week, and especially this week, I've mostly spent my time with my colleagues and more with Mika and/or Daniel after work. I had most of my dinner with them after work with occasionally others joining. Like Tat Mun joining Daniel and I on Wednesday, and then Tat Mun, Soo, Jen Voon joining the 3 of us for dinner on Thursday.
But yesterday, only Daniel and I had dinner together. We went to Carl's Jr. and as the night was still young after dinner, we decided to go have a few drinks before heading home. We went to one of the bars around the office. We walked around the area looking for one that seems decent and happening enough and we ended up walking for almost an hour. By the time we went in, it's about 10p.m. We mostly just drink, chit chat, engross ourselves in the environment and live band there, shaking our bodies to the music and looking at the antics of the people.
I think one of the highlight of the night was seeing 2 japanese guys sitting at the table in front of us, where one was drunk. He as so drunk that he seems to just molest anyone around him, Daniel and I have seen him grabbing the ass and breasts of girls near to him and... it does not stop there, when Daniel tried to go to the toilet, the Japanese "molested" him. The japanese grabbed him and hugged him and Daniel and some other people had to push him away. I was so wtf and scared.
After that Daniel and I continued to watch his antics. He still go around grabbing/molesting people, getting slapped, hugging guys, trying to forcefully kiss people. We knew it was kinda under control as some of the servers played along with him to avoid unnecessary incidents. We also knew some of the girls were there for money in exchange for company, therefore we just stay at our place and watch. There were a few times that he came close to our table and I literally hid behind Daniel. Lol. And there was this one time, he really came over and wanted to hug Daniel and Daniel declined. Luckily he did not forcefully hug him but as I was a little bit beside and behind Daniel, I was scared he might wanna approach me. If he did, I might have already smashed my beer bottle at that guy or splashed beer at him. That's how scared I am. The Japanese left after a while.
We stayed on until about 2.30a.m. In the 4-5 hours we were there I only had a total of around 3 bottles of beers. We ordered one bucket of Tiger beer and it was so bleargh that I did not finish it. Then as we got close to one of the guy servers and the people beside us left, leaving behind 2 bottles of Heineken, the server gave us the Heineken. So, being drunk is out of the question. People who know me will know this.
We reached Daniel's home in Setapak at around 3a.m and as we drive along Jalan Tun Razak, Daniel saw that the police are having road block at the opposite direction. Then and there I decided to use MRR2 to get home to Cheras.
As it is already midnight and there aren't many cars on the road (athough you still can see cars along the highway), I've kinda sped along the MRR2. People close to me (that I trust) will know that I have the thrill for speed. Another reason I speed is for the adrenaline rush which helps me to forget my pain and hurt... although only for a brief moment. But at those moments, I am problem free... (human and car as one, as I've always said), nothing else mattered.
At one of the stretch of the MRR2, there were 3 cars in the middle lane, spread sporadically and I was gaining on them from the fast lane while the car behind me is trailing me closer and closer. For me, the common thing to do is to overtake the cars in the middle lane, drive to the middle lane and let the car trailing me to pass before going back to the fast lane. And that's what I did, I've drove past the first car, the second car in the middle lane. And the car behind is gaining fast on me, so, I sped up just a bit more as I was approaching to passing the third car in the middle lane and then to give way to the car behind me.
Just as I was approaching the 165-170 km/h mark, I felt something wrong with the car, it lost control. It might have been slippery road due to rain or due to oil spills on the road but I've lost control of the car. It swerved right and I was about to hit the divider in the middle of the highway at high speed but I managed to turn left, risking hitting the car beside me or being hit by the cars behind me. I cut straight across the 3 lanes while stepping and releasing the brakes and hit the curb and kinda flew on the grassy area at the side of the road.
In those few seconds, I thought I'm a goner, that I'd be dead. I just realised I don't have enough time to let my whole life flashback at me. All I could think of was "I'm dead, surely" and also the people that I love, especially the one person whom I don't wanna reveal here. Do you think it's still you? It might be...
I was stupid enough after that, I was stunned for a while then, I just drove down the curb and sped off again... I don't know if i was too stunned or too shocked but I sped off again, driving at 120-130 km/h till I reach home. A bit further on the highway, there's a car accident too... cars were sprawled in 2 lanes. I've also heard funny noises from the front left tyre. So I slow down a bit after that. I've also smelled something burning but I was too anxious to get home that I didn't care.
I reached home at around 3.30a.m. and I've only managed to check that the bumper was off, the burning smell and funny noises was coming from the car tyre brushing against the bumper. I've just managed to "fix" it a bit before it started to rain heavily, so I can't do anything but to get home and sleep. I'm dead tired and something inside me just went off. I begin questioning my own existence.
I'm really going to cease to exist from this world if one of the following scenario happened during the time I lost control of the car. One, if I did not manage to turn to the left and I just hit the divider at high speed. Two, if I really hit the car beside me or getting hit by the cars behind me, worse still, if they too were driving at high speed. Three, if I did not manage to stop where I had stopped and instead stopped a bit further, I'd end up in the drain. Four, if I flew a bit further I might hit trees and five, if I did not properly brake and release, brake and release or if I panicked or stepped on the accelerator instead, I do not know where I'd end up.
So yeah, this Andy might just cease from living, from existing in this world due to his action or maybe this accident. I'm sorry.
I'm also thankful to God that he felt that it is not yet time for me to meet Him. That there are a lot more things that I had to do, that I need to rectify, or for me to make the world a better place maybe not for everyone but maybe, just maybe to the people what I love and to help change someone or a few lives to the better. That I should not have left this world with so much regrets.
This incident has also scarred me, my life, for now. I'm beginning to question my own existence. And the existence of us, humans. That it is just so fragile that it could be lost just in the blink of an eye. Is fame, self gratifications, personal gains and all those, really that important now? That we would forget that in our chase for those, that we forgot about the important people and things in life? I have no answer now. I've just been thrown a lot more questions into my already messed up life.
I've also pondered on my 30 years of existence. Have I made this world a better place for anyone, especially my loved ones? Have I managed to change anyone into a better person? Have I managed to get into a special corner of anyone's (again especially people whom I love and who chose to love me as their choice) heart? Will I be missed, and for how long? Will anyone shed a tear when if I'm really gone? Will I be forgotten or how long will I be remembered? Would anyone be happy or relieved that I'm gone, that I won't be a nuisance any more? So many questions are thrown at myself now. I can't answer a large part of it.
Please, will anyone care enough to tell it to me if you really do? Do text me or leave a comment or even an anon comment here or anywhere if you do. Or do I really don't matter? Is my own existence being felt anywhere (I'm feeling like Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians or Ralph from Wreck-it- Ralph). I could just be gone in a blink of an eye and my existence aren't even noticed... It's like I've never really existed. I really don't want that. I want proof of my existence. I don't want such regrets... Anyone understand this? A large part of my existence has already been wiped out.
This incident has also told me that my life could be just as short as a blink of an eye. That I would just be gone at this very second. That the more I should chase what I want, what makes me happy, what I love, what I believe in. To follow my heart. And not just blindly follow what others tell me what I should or should not do. All the more to live my life even fully than I've already did. But I'm still confused and in trauma. Yet I don't know how to continue this post any more. I might post a part 2 or I might continue editing this later.
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